Prayer

I've been having a bit of a hard time lately. Down on myself, unsure of my family and friends, feeling lonely. I got emotionally messy over a few people one day and someone said to me, "you need to pray." "Pray!?" my brain screamed at me, "Pray!?" I don't really feel like praying and who is this person to tell me to pray? This simple statement intensified my pain. If only I'd pray, than everything would be alright. Really, so this is all my fault, I'm just not doing it right.

It was kind of strange, while I think of myself as a spiritual person, when I hear "you need to pray" I go right back to my Christian upbringing. Prayer was beseeching God. Asking for things, "God, help me to be happy, provide me with friends, make me healthy." This god is in charge and if I don't get it right, than I'm sunk.

And besides, I'd been really trying to do it right. I'd been trying yoga classes, getting acupuncture, revisiting how I eat, listening to meditation CDs. Isn't that like prayer? Isn't that spiritual?

So I took a few steps back. Spent time by myself. Being quiet helped, listening inside. I realized I was exhausted; once again, trying to "get it right." Not looking inside for my answers, trying to find that thing or combination of things that would help me find my center, to balance myself, to ground myself.

And then yesterday, just driving in my car it came to me. Prayer. My every moment is prayer. My every movement is prayer. Every bite of food I take is prayer. I know that. What I need is to do less, not more. Let go again and again; be kind to myself; sit in calmness.

Who knows what's right for me? I do. Prayer is looking inside, that's where I can find god, connect with god, hear god. We are each of us god incarnate, in her myriad of forms.