On Death and Dying

Yes, I've stolen that title from Elizabeth Kubler-Ross. My insights are not as profound as her's. I can't tell you how to get through these times or how to deal with the loss. I'm not sure it's possible to get over death of a friend or a lover. I can only tell you there are no rules or timetables.

This week a close friend of my friend, Billy, was taken by breast cancer. I didn't know her well, but I hurt for Billy and his wife and their friends. The young women who died was in her thirties.

On Saturday, I will be attending a party for my friend, Mas. He was 32 and was killed in a car accident a month ago. Our whole community is reeling from the loss. He was a warm and wonderful young man. I knew his fiance before she was with him and watched her bloom as he loved and supported her.

In the last 15 months I lost my best friend, Janice, my mom and now Mas. My daughter lost Janice, who she knew and loved her whole life, her grandmother, her husband's grandmother and his aunt. Janice's family lost Doug's mother and a close school friend of Dylan's within a few months of Janice's death. Billy lost his best friend, Jen. Our Corvallis community lost Mas.

The ripples of each of these losses affect those far and wide. I'm finding myself so sad sometimes, with no time to recover between one death and the next. A long time ago I remember someone on a TV show saying, "It's so strange that we say, I've lost someone. It's like we can find them again." Oops, there you are, I thought I'd lost you.

I consider myself a person of Spirit. I believe that we go on, past our physical bodies, that we will live together again somehow. But I am feeling the fragility of this life so clearly right now. Another little poke and I'll fall over and shatter.

I know Dr. Kubler-Ross' stages of grief. I wish it were that easy. I will miss these people everyday. I will continue to love them. I will feel the pain my friend's feel. I don't grieve for those who have gone on, I believe they are in a peaceful place, that they now have understanding that I don't have yet. My grief is for those of us left behind.

Prayer

I've been having a bit of a hard time lately. Down on myself, unsure of my family and friends, feeling lonely. I got emotionally messy over a few people one day and someone said to me, "you need to pray." "Pray!?" my brain screamed at me, "Pray!?" I don't really feel like praying and who is this person to tell me to pray? This simple statement intensified my pain. If only I'd pray, than everything would be alright. Really, so this is all my fault, I'm just not doing it right.

It was kind of strange, while I think of myself as a spiritual person, when I hear "you need to pray" I go right back to my Christian upbringing. Prayer was beseeching God. Asking for things, "God, help me to be happy, provide me with friends, make me healthy." This god is in charge and if I don't get it right, than I'm sunk.

And besides, I'd been really trying to do it right. I'd been trying yoga classes, getting acupuncture, revisiting how I eat, listening to meditation CDs. Isn't that like prayer? Isn't that spiritual?

So I took a few steps back. Spent time by myself. Being quiet helped, listening inside. I realized I was exhausted; once again, trying to "get it right." Not looking inside for my answers, trying to find that thing or combination of things that would help me find my center, to balance myself, to ground myself.

And then yesterday, just driving in my car it came to me. Prayer. My every moment is prayer. My every movement is prayer. Every bite of food I take is prayer. I know that. What I need is to do less, not more. Let go again and again; be kind to myself; sit in calmness.

Who knows what's right for me? I do. Prayer is looking inside, that's where I can find god, connect with god, hear god. We are each of us god incarnate, in her myriad of forms.

Falling in love with my daughter in law

Erik and Leyna have been living here in Corvallis since last spring. They were married just over two years ago and were together most of the ten years before that. I always knew that she was good for Erik. Leyna grounds him, she incites him to be his very best. Erik grew into a man because of her, for her.

Once in a while someone would ask me, "do you like Leyna?" I always wondered what kind of question is that? My son loves her, of course I like her. On occasion Erik's dad or one of his friends would insinuate that Leyna maybe had too much power in their relationship or that he tried too hard to please her (just as a sidenote-none of these people are in relationships). And I would just say, "she's good for him."  

But honestly, until a few months ago, I didn't feel like I knew her very well. That was okay because Erik was better for being with her. But I didn't quite see what he saw in her. He is my deep thinking, spiritual child, I didn't quite see that in her.

Three months ago Leyna opened an acupuncture clinic. I became a patient and helped her out with reception when she needed someone. As things started slow, I had lots of time to talk with her. Thus began my love affair with my daughter in law.

Leyna is smart and compassionate, she is honest and open. She opened her clinic so she could provide affordable acupuncture to the middle and lower class people of our town. She is so excited about treating people and getting results, that making a living seems like only a nice side effect of the whole thing.

I've had deep conversations with her and she is a wonderful listener. We talked about someone who was causing some upheaval in our group of family and friends. Over time we realized together that this person is just unhappy and needs to be loved; that we could reach out to her in our own ways and show her that there is another way to be. It felt so good to be able to talk about something that I had unpleasant feelings about and to work it through to a helpful conclusion.

We can talk about anything, even though we don't always agree. I trust her with my confidences and feel accepted and cared for.

I no longer wonder why Erik has worked so hard to be with her or why he is so much more grounded with her than alone. And she has shared much with me about how she feels about him and what he means to her. I now realize that she is better with him and he grounds her as well.

I mentioned this to Erik recently and his comment was, "I tried to tell that to everyone a long time ago, and then I realized that you would all figure it out for yourselves."

I guess I did.

So who am I really?

On and off this question has plagued me. Lately it's in my face again. I'm not talking roles, I think I've got those down, but who is  the real inner me and how do I fit into those places? Am I the woman who attended a full moon circle with a bunch of 20 something year olds and ate some "special" carrot cake and danced and giggled and marveled at the beauty of each person and the moon? Am I the responsible person who will drop everything and go sleep at her friend's house because the dog sitter is having a hard time? Can I be the mom who is wise and also the mom who will go to burning man or concerts with you and party? Of course I know I am all those people, but I worry that I confuse people.

I look around sometimes at other women my age and wonder what's wrong with me. My clothes are all wrong, my hair has bright red streaks in it, my shirt is a little short and you can see the lotus tattooed on my belly. I have a dark side that I embrace and can exhibit a very dark sense of humor.I make some really funky bizarre art. I can dance my anger to Nine Inch Nails and dance my joy to Libana. I actually like hanging out with young people. They introduce me to new music, we have great conversations about life, I am continually learning from them. 

I've never felt like I quite fit in, or meet the expectations that others have of me. And as I get older it feels more obvious to me. Like I was supposed to pick which part of me to be and stick with it. Like I  was supposed to pick a clothing style and stay with it. Associate with people my own age. Listen to golden oldies for the rest of my life. Like there are parts of me that I should hide because others may feel uncomfortable.

But, admittedly, being me, being all the parts of me, sometimes leaves me feeling a little uncomfortable. Sometimes I do wonder what people think, am I too much or not enough. Do I embarrass my kids? Do I embarrass myself, am I some caricature of myself?

These are my thoughts right now on this subject. Thanks for listening. What are your thoughts? How do you integrate the different sides of yourself into the different places of your life?

This is some of my bizarre art. The box stood with 100 others at Burning Man, all the same on the outside and different on the inside. It's a little hard to see, but mine had mirrors placed at angels and so reflecting some strange little creations of mine.

Why Blog?

Not that long ago, I didn't even know what a blog was. I'd heard talk of blogs and blogging on NPR, but really couldn't figure it out. Who was writing this stuff, who edited it, who made sure it was true? Who read this stuff, how did you find it? Why did people blog? 

I'm a pretty quiet and private human being. I'm still not sure about Facebook and am pretty careful what I put out there. I don't really care where everyone I know (and everyone they know) is doing right now. I don't even really care where my kids, my friends, my significant other are every moment of the day. 

But this has been a rough year for me and I have been deeply effected by the realization that there are people I miss, friends who I want to keep in touch with, who I miss talking to and sharing myself with. I actually do want some people to know what I'm contemplating, musing and ruminating about.

So, I'm going to use this like a Women's Center group. Sometimes I need to be listened to, I need to say things out loud (or in this case write things out loud). I need some comments, just so I know someone is listening to me.

Stay tuned for more stuff that I think about, stuff that I want to share with you.