So who am I really?

On and off this question has plagued me. Lately it's in my face again. I'm not talking roles, I think I've got those down, but who is  the real inner me and how do I fit into those places? Am I the woman who attended a full moon circle with a bunch of 20 something year olds and ate some "special" carrot cake and danced and giggled and marveled at the beauty of each person and the moon? Am I the responsible person who will drop everything and go sleep at her friend's house because the dog sitter is having a hard time? Can I be the mom who is wise and also the mom who will go to burning man or concerts with you and party? Of course I know I am all those people, but I worry that I confuse people.

I look around sometimes at other women my age and wonder what's wrong with me. My clothes are all wrong, my hair has bright red streaks in it, my shirt is a little short and you can see the lotus tattooed on my belly. I have a dark side that I embrace and can exhibit a very dark sense of humor.I make some really funky bizarre art. I can dance my anger to Nine Inch Nails and dance my joy to Libana. I actually like hanging out with young people. They introduce me to new music, we have great conversations about life, I am continually learning from them. 

I've never felt like I quite fit in, or meet the expectations that others have of me. And as I get older it feels more obvious to me. Like I was supposed to pick which part of me to be and stick with it. Like I  was supposed to pick a clothing style and stay with it. Associate with people my own age. Listen to golden oldies for the rest of my life. Like there are parts of me that I should hide because others may feel uncomfortable.

But, admittedly, being me, being all the parts of me, sometimes leaves me feeling a little uncomfortable. Sometimes I do wonder what people think, am I too much or not enough. Do I embarrass my kids? Do I embarrass myself, am I some caricature of myself?

These are my thoughts right now on this subject. Thanks for listening. What are your thoughts? How do you integrate the different sides of yourself into the different places of your life?

This is some of my bizarre art. The box stood with 100 others at Burning Man, all the same on the outside and different on the inside. It's a little hard to see, but mine had mirrors placed at angels and so reflecting some strange little creations of mine.

Why Blog?

Not that long ago, I didn't even know what a blog was. I'd heard talk of blogs and blogging on NPR, but really couldn't figure it out. Who was writing this stuff, who edited it, who made sure it was true? Who read this stuff, how did you find it? Why did people blog? 

I'm a pretty quiet and private human being. I'm still not sure about Facebook and am pretty careful what I put out there. I don't really care where everyone I know (and everyone they know) is doing right now. I don't even really care where my kids, my friends, my significant other are every moment of the day. 

But this has been a rough year for me and I have been deeply effected by the realization that there are people I miss, friends who I want to keep in touch with, who I miss talking to and sharing myself with. I actually do want some people to know what I'm contemplating, musing and ruminating about.

So, I'm going to use this like a Women's Center group. Sometimes I need to be listened to, I need to say things out loud (or in this case write things out loud). I need some comments, just so I know someone is listening to me.

Stay tuned for more stuff that I think about, stuff that I want to share with you.